Five years

it's really unbelievable to me that it's been five years since i lost my grandparents. this year, the date came and went, dread was gone, tears were few, and ...

life went on.

but it never means i have not endured so great a trial that i did not have to seek the Lord's strength daily. the tears have come unpredictably, but this year, He filled my time with things that were so renewing and refreshing, that suddenly, through these times....

i see new life.

i have lost. i have endured pain so great i cannot explain. i have mourned with my entire soul. but this year was a turning point. my dad called yesterday morning, and saw how i was doing. we are both very much in the same place. yes it was tragic, yes we lost deeply, but--life goes on. i cannot be the mom, wife, friend, daughter i need to be if i am remaining in a place where i grieve but do not move from that grief.

moving on does not mean you are disregarding your loss or lessening it, it means you are walking. one step each day. sometimes you fall back, sometimes you take more steps than ever. and suddenly, you are years away from that time that it hurt so sharply, it was as if each breath were a reminder of the loss. suddenly, your breaths are deep, your sighs are less, your eyes are dryer than they were.

and

life

goes

on.